Now, if you were to ask me what I remember from the adaptation(s), I would say… the dwarves throwing things around Bilbo’s house at the beginning, the guy who plays Thorin Oakenshield glowering, the return of some of my elf pals from the LOTR films, Benedict Cumberbatch voicing the dragon for some reason and… that’s it. Then the fussy little guy goes home, allowing us all to get on with the more important business of The Lord of the Rings. Some elves pop up, Gandalf wanders in and out of proceedings, there’s a dragon who really loves gold for some reason. Fussy little guy finds a ring and tricks Gollum with a riddle that isn’t really a riddle. Fussy little guy almost gets eaten by trolls.

Dwarves wreck some fussy little guy’s house. It’s been 20+ years since I read The Hobbit, but I recall it being a delightful, bouncy, reasonably propulsive affair. Peter Jackson’s three, three, Hobbit films will take you 474 minutes to watch in their (I’m sorry) torturous entirety (532 minutes if you watch the extended edition, which nobody has ever done).

Cards of Love by Ella Fox